Did you know that the more you type “move” the less it looks like a word?

The second my roommate had my rent in her hand, she delivered the news.

“Yeah, so, here’s your notice. We’re doing stuff with the house and the room’s not gonna be free anymore.”

I must have stared blankly upon hearing this frankly unexpected news, because she handed me a letter to sign stating that my worldly possessions and I would be out of the house by 11:59 PM on June 10th.

“But, like, I’ll still give you a reference and stuff.”

Um, okay. How about I give your mom a reference?

I hate moving. Hate it. I hate the packing, I hate the viewings, I hate the crapshoot of finding a new landlord that isn’t Rape Clown. Of course, this particular move has the silver lining of being able to live alone again. I’m sorry, did I say silver lining? I meant total bright spot comparable to a supernova, because holy shit do I love living alone. Despite my day job working for The Man, I’m sort of like Winnie the Pooh. I like to do things on my own time, eating stuff out of jars and generally not wearing pants if at all possible. Pooh’s house was the shit, but since this city is decidedly low on hollowed-out trees to live in, I’m on the hunt for a tidy little bachelor apartment where I can come home and prepare bacon after a night of drinking without so much goddamn judgment.

What? You’ve never done that? You’re gonna sit there and pretend that you’ve never come home after a date with Jack Daniel’s and thought that a whole side of a pig would really hit the spot? If you don’t do that or at least order a pizza, you go through your cupboards foraging for something with the most empty calories possible. You’ve never prepared noodles at 3 AM and then watched Deep Impact on cable while trying to freeze your credit card in a block of ice in preparation for when the infomercials would come on and The Magic Bullet would seem the most brilliant invention in the universe? Fine, then. You are lying liars who lie.

Anyway. The point is, I’m excited about these changes, despite the fact that I’m going to spend close to three weeks couch-hopping until I can move into the new place. I’m just going to think of it as an adventure and maybe make my ringtone the sad walking away music from The Incredible Hulk, or the theme song to The Littlest Hobo.

Oh, and before I go, I’m leaving a little present for my neighbours. Can’t talk with your mouth full, right?

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One thought on “Did you know that the more you type “move” the less it looks like a word?

  1. “Can’t talk with your mouth full, right?”

    HOPEFULLY with a mouth full.

    And there’s never a bad time for bacon. You need to wear pants while cooking it, though, what with the grease and all.

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