They didn’t have kosher salt
No worries, I’ll use the regular if it comes down to it
I remember reading something about different kinds of salt and when to use them
I remember watching a video once about how to fold napkins into swans but I don’t fuck around with that either
there’s a specific task for each kind of salt!
as opposed to swan napkins, which have but one thankless, unappreciated task
You ate ramen last night, don’t step to me talking about how you a salt connoisseur all of a sudden
Not ramen! Noodles!
What’s the difference?
Like 60 cents
Oh WELL THEN

Supper plans?
I am mostly just planning to hide in the bathroom until death comes
Has death given you an ETA?
Like, do we have a big enough window to order a pizza?

Man, watching the World Series
Can you imagine being in a sports bar in either city right now?
It’s a good day to own a sports bar in either city! Nobody’s going home early tonight!
Somewhere a waitress just steeled herself to bring another pitcher of shitty beer to drunkards
Hope they get tipped well
“Guys, we’ve been out of beer since the 7th. This is just Cleveland tap water.”
Probably a higher alcohol content than Budweiser tbh
Probably more flammable, at least
OH MAN
Almost had a home run …. juuuuuuuuuuust foul.
CALL ME BASIC AND HAND ME A FUCKING LATTE BECAUSE I JUST CAN’T EVEN
I will never be happy in this life until you start a sports podcast

I may have made a big mistake
I told your mom there was such a thing as the Hallmark Channel
So whoever answers the phone tomorrow from their cable company is probably going to wind up having a strong drink if that’s not something they can offer her
Oh dear
Apparently they have Christmas movies every day leading up to December 25
So now she has a mission in life
I’m so sorry
As though the same dozen off-brand direct-to-dvd Christmas movies wasn’t bad enough
Lori Loughlin can only be in so many places at once

I’m stress eating my way through these election results
We have food?
“food”
Drinking all the soy sauce and eating all the cornstarch?
Glenn Beck has a shit ton to answer for, as far as I’m concerned
I hope he’s having a lot of dark nights of the soul.
I will give him credit for doing so, but in the same way as the heathen prostrates himself in the church when it’s pretty clear the four horsemen are rollin’ up

We’re out of toothpaste
Do you know how Osama Bin Laden brushed his teeth?
Water and a wicker stick
I have been staring at this for the better part of five minutes wondering exactly what I am supposed to take away from that

I’m sorry to become those people who text when we’re face to face but the girl behind you is INSUFFERABLE
RIGHT?!
No wonder he broke up with her
Her voice is like the auditory version of burnt hair
Oh shit she’s looking at us

What do you call children born in a whorehouse?
Brothel sprouts
You know, when I was a child I wanted nothing more than to meet Fozzie Bear
Sometimes our marriage feels like a genie heard me but didn’t really HEAR me, you know

(Part I)