1. First words upon seeing positive pregnancy test were “Holy baby Jesus on the tiniest cross, what have we done?”
2. Fetus subjected to multiple shower renditions of All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You by Heart, thereby increasing risk of predilection for sex with drifters.
3. Guessed sex of fetus wrong, to the point of asking aloud why the penis wasn’t visible on the ultrasound screen.
4. Drank Pepsi during second and third trimesters. Preferable to giving birth in jail as result of being insomniac whale during a heat wave, but apparently on par with injecting arsenic directly into umbilical cord.
5. In searching for baby monitors, briefly considered husband’s suggestion of simply buying “one of those bomb search mirrors on a stick.”
5. “I’m just saying, she’d be the only Mozzarella in her class.”
6. Threatened fetus with repeated exposure to Nickelback and Jeff Dunham standup if she did not vacate uterus on her due date.
7. Followed through with said threat when fetus was four days overdue. Likely shaved off several IQ points in the process.
8. Changed mind about wanting child at 9 cm dilated.
9. First words baby heard were “IT’S OUT?! ARE YOU SURE?!”
10. Did not compare newborn daughter’s colouring to a freshly cooked hot dog, but laughed at husband doing so.
11. Gave daughter two middle names, forever dooming her to mutter curses while filling out government forms.
12. Did not practice with car seat before birth, resulting in baby wailing as hapless parents struggle as though defusing a bomb.
13. Upon introduction of baby to family dog, did not intervene quickly enough to prevent licking. Shrugged shoulders and figured immune systems have to start somewhere.
14. Googled “do infants have the capacity to hate” at hour three of inconsolable wailing.
15. Indiscriminate television viewing during night feeding resulted in baby recognizing the Friends theme song.
16. Googled “effects of infant exposure to Maury Povich show” as result of previous.
17. Compared baby daughter’s looks to Gollum.
18. Compared baby daughter’s looks to Canadian broadcasting icon Rex Murphy.
19. Set bad example with snarky reply about infant-sized beer helmets to stranger inquiring about reasons for bottle feeding.
20. Vaccinated on schedule, thus denying future opportunities for calling in sick with diphtheria or bringing sweet-ass iron lung to Show and Tell.
21. Attempts to make baby laugh involved so many fart noises that it sounded like the director’s cut of the Terrance and Philip Movie.
22. Discovered crying ceases upon hearing Taylor Swift and singlehandedly increased YouTube hits for Blank Space by approximately 100,000.
23. Felt and expressed genuine pride at daughter’s inheritance of maternal Bitchy Resting Face gene.
24. On multiple occasions dressed baby in ridiculous outfits for personal amusement.
25. Loved her so much that she cannot possibly survive the year without serious risk of cheeks being eroded with kisses.
Only 17 years and 9 months to go, kiddo. This list is going to get pretty long.
2 thoughts on “25 Ways In Which I Have Irrevocably Messed Up My Child”
26. Permitted cynical pseudo-uncle extended opportunities to encourage baby daughter to utter ‘Cthulhu’ & ‘Fhtagn’ as first words.
So long as she never looked like Don Cherry as an infant you’re in the clear.