Swear Jar

In recent years, I’ve given up a lot of things that are bad for me. Vodka is no longer part of this balanced breakfast. Cigarette smoke nauseates me. Flings with emotionally manipulative commitmentphobes would probably put a serious damper on my marriage. With the exception of watching the Spongebob trailer and wishing that it had come out at a time when I partook of the odd hallucinogenic substance, I’ve pretty much moved on from most of my truly bad habits.

The swearing? Not so much.

I can tone it down in small bursts if I really need to. No elderly person has never heard me say anything stronger than “Heavens to Betsy!” and I managed to refrain from using the F-word in my wedding ceremony even once. In daily life, however, the air around me is often as blue as the liquid they use in pad commercials. (I don’t know why they use blue, but make no mistake, if I started menstruating antifreeze, you can bet they’d hear the swearing for miles.)

You can probably guess that this presents a problem with my daughter. At almost four months old, her babbles haven’t produced anything like a word, but the threat looms large of one day receiving the call from daycare about my kid telling some other poor innocent tyke not to be such a fucking shitlord at circle time. Even if said tyke is being a fucking shitlord, I can’t have that. My late grandmother’s skeleton would spin so fast it would drill to the earth’s core and destroy us all.

I have to do better.

To do this, I have to recognize the situations that trigger me to be my very worst. Let me think.

cookingThis is not so bad. I can manage most basic dishes with only the barest of muttered threats. Keep the volume low, avoid pastry at all costs, and we’re golden.

injuryDepends highly on the injury. A paper cut barely rates a “shit” while a stubbed toe can push us into R-rated territory fast. Let’s give me the benefit of the doubt and go with a solid 2.5 with the possibility of up to 4. Extenuating circumstances, though, right? Even the most judgmental mommy group could probably give me a pass for things said when stepping on a Lego or Littlest Pet Shop. I managed childbirth without an epidural but I have my limits.

drivingThis is where we run into real trouble. I cannot stop driving places with my child, and neither can I stop yelling at all the stupid dicktrumpets on the road. Pulling up to my bumper and honking at me at a red light is likely to make me envision pulling your urethra out and garotting you with it. This town is full of men who are compensating for their easily bruised sense of masculinity with giant lifted Dodge Thundercock 8000 trucks that are wild and free and cannot be contained in a single lane or parking space. There has not been a day of my residence here where I haven’t used the phrase “entitled fuckshoe” or “shit-for-retinas assbaskets” in a parking lot. The fact that I’ve been driving for thirteen years and have somehow maintained a clean criminal record is nothing short of an actual miracle.

Better start preparing for the call from the school now. Fuck.

games-1“No, honey, Mommy doesn’t know how to play Crazy Eights.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart, Mommy has a lifetime ban on playing Monopoly.”

“You go ahead and play Mario Kart with Daddy, pumpkin. Mommy got excommunicated from the Catholic church last time.”

Perfect. Well-adjusted childhood, here we co–

“Mama, look! Caillou is on!”

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

 

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Madam, Your Baby is Drunk

When I was pregnant, I lost count of how many people told me how to prepare for childbirth. Some insisted that the only way was to have as little intervention as possible (“I tell you, anything other than an island yurt with a whale as your doula just feels unnatural.”). Others urged me to take advantage of all the advances of modern medicine (“Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME. You get all the drugs. Find out if your insurance covers crystal meth and if it doesn’t, text me with the code word ‘Heisenbirth’ and I’ll hook you up.”). On one memorable occasion, a cashier went into great detail about her daughter-in-law’s perineum splitting like a banana peel while I nodded and wondered what I had done to deserve this when all I wanted was to buy my Raisin Bran and vanish into thin air. But if there was one thing they all agreed on, it was that there was no way on earth to prepare for the early days of parenthood.

Honestly, I’ve found the reverse. Nothing on earth could have readied me for the sensation of wanting, needing, to shit out all my internal organs and eternal soul in one otherwordly groaning push, but if I had to prepare a scared pregnant woman on how to handle new motherhood, I know just what I’d say.

Have you ever been the person taking care of a really drunk friend? It’s kind of like that. Let me walk you through it.

“That’s such a cute outfit. Let me take a picture. Hang on, it’s blurry. Let me try again. Still blurry, hon. Stop moving around so much. Open your eyes. No, both eyes. You know what? This is fine. This is as good as it’s going to get.”

“Sweetheart, I don’t know why you’re crying. Everything’s okay. Listen, your favourite song is on! Come on, let’s dance! See, now don’t we feel better? Doesn’t Uptown Funk make everything better?”

“Okay, honey, we’re just going to take this bottle– you haven’t had enough? You seem like you’ve had enough. Alright, fine, but you’re going to– yep, there’s the puke. On my shirt. Thank you for that.”

“Where did your other shoe go? You were wearing two shoes five seconds ago and now it’s nowhere in sight. No. No, don’t cry. It’s okay. We’ll find it.”

“I have no idea what you’re laughing at but clearly you’re amused and not crying so we’re just gonna go with it.”

“You can’t sleep there. Yes, I know my shoulder is comfortable, but wouldn’t a bed be so much more comf– aaaaaand she’s out. And drooling.”

Now, imagine doing this while you feel as hungover as you have ever been in your life during the worst period you can imagine. Like Jose Cuervo skullfucked you and left you in the hotel from The Shining with the blood elevator.. Only you’re not hungover, you just haven’t slept in a week and you’ve been sewn together in places you didn’t realize you had while you’re sitting on a pad thicker than a futon mattress.

It’s like that. But it does get better.

Your drunk friend is a lot of fun.

25 Ways In Which I Have Irrevocably Messed Up My Child

1. First words upon seeing positive pregnancy test were “Holy baby Jesus on the tiniest cross, what have we done?”

2. Fetus subjected to multiple shower renditions of All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You by Heart, thereby increasing risk of predilection for sex with drifters.

3. Guessed sex of fetus wrong, to the point of asking aloud why the penis wasn’t visible on the ultrasound screen.

4. Drank Pepsi during second and third trimesters. Preferable to giving birth in jail as result of being insomniac whale during a heat wave, but apparently on par with injecting arsenic directly into umbilical cord.

5. In searching for baby monitors, briefly considered husband’s suggestion of simply buying “one of those bomb search mirrors on a stick.”

5. “I’m just saying, she’d be the only Mozzarella in her class.”

6. Threatened fetus with repeated exposure to Nickelback and Jeff Dunham standup if she did not vacate uterus on her due date.

7. Followed through with said threat when fetus was four days overdue. Likely shaved off several IQ points in the process.

8. Changed mind about wanting child at 9 cm dilated.

9. First words baby heard were “IT’S OUT?! ARE YOU SURE?!”

10. Did not compare newborn daughter’s colouring to a freshly cooked hot dog, but laughed at husband doing so.

11. Gave daughter two middle names, forever dooming her to mutter curses while filling out government forms.

12. Did not practice with car seat before birth, resulting in baby wailing as hapless parents struggle as though defusing a bomb.

13. Upon introduction of baby to family dog, did not intervene quickly enough to prevent licking. Shrugged shoulders and figured immune systems have to start somewhere.

14. Googled “do infants have the capacity to hate” at hour three of inconsolable wailing.

15. Indiscriminate television viewing during night feeding resulted in baby recognizing the Friends theme song.

16. Googled “effects of infant exposure to Maury Povich show” as result of previous.

17. Compared baby daughter’s looks to Gollum.

18. Compared baby daughter’s looks to Canadian broadcasting icon Rex Murphy.

19. Set bad example with snarky reply about infant-sized beer helmets to stranger inquiring about reasons for bottle feeding.

20. Vaccinated on schedule, thus denying future opportunities for calling in sick with diphtheria or bringing sweet-ass iron lung to Show and Tell.

21. Attempts to make baby laugh involved so many fart noises that it sounded like the director’s cut of the Terrance and Philip Movie.

22. Discovered crying ceases upon hearing Taylor Swift and singlehandedly increased YouTube hits for Blank Space by approximately 100,000.

23. Felt and expressed genuine pride at daughter’s inheritance of maternal Bitchy Resting Face gene.

24. On multiple occasions dressed baby in ridiculous outfits for personal amusement.

25. Loved her so much that she cannot possibly survive the year without serious risk of cheeks being eroded with kisses.

Only 17 years and 9 months to go, kiddo. This list is going to get pretty long.